Threads Bared

Gentlemen, the fashionable intersection of style, success and sex.

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The Good

THE WELL-KNOTTED TIE

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A plump, well-knotted tie is a beautiful thing. But nothing shatters the lines of a classic suit faster than an ill-fitting collar/ tie combo. There are reams of instruction videos on the internet, just be sure to follow this simple rule: wide collar, wide knot. You don’t need to learn the whole kaleidoscope of knots, but keep the Windsor and the Four In Hand in your repertoire.

According to Australian fashion designer Edwin Pireh, “Ties are an inspiring representation of a man’s personality and style. They anchor an outfit, promoting the junction point at the neck with a satisfying knot and dimple, hiding the unsightly vertical button effect from your shirt and highlighting your buckle area with a striking tip.”
Edwin Pireh has a reputation for designing luxury pieces. Celebrating a tradition of handmade craftsmanship, Pireh collaborates with some of Europe’s finest fabric weavers and printers. Work Style magazine Italy recently named him among its Top 18 finest necktie designers in the world. Pireh, the only Australian designer to be named, placed alongside Salvatore Ferragamo and Canali.

Go to Edwin Pireh.

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Tremendous chin curtain Mr Hardy; we applaud your whiskers

THE BEARD

Every man should grow a beard at least once. Not overly manicured, but a big, bushy, Grizzly Adams chin curtain. Beard experts reckon a man’s fuzz reaches optimum loveliness at day ten. Try to avoid the Amish/Abe Lincoln look or anything too sculpted, but invest in a trimmer. According to the University Of Southern Queensland, a man’s beard blocks up to 95 per cent of the sun’s UV rays, so it’s not just stylish form, it’s wrinkle- free function.

THE JOCKSTRAP

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The jockstrap teeters precariously between functionality and fetishism. It was invented back in the 1870s to protect bicycle couriers’ junk as they peddled over cobbled streets. With two strips of fabric rather than the full seat to cover the buttocks, it’s little wonder this style of underwear has become highly sexualised and the sartorial staple for porn stars everywhere.

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THE UNIFORM
Nothing fills a uniform better than a square-jawed marine.

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Boer War, Frock Coat

There’s something seriously sexy about the sameness of a company of soldiers dressed to kill. But uniforms aren’t just for jarheads: we all look better with polished boots and a knife-edge trouser crease.

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CLASSIC DENIM JEANS

The daily attire of millions worldwide, blue jeans were once the symbol of disaffected youth, popularised by James Dean in Rebel Without A Cause. Work attire for cowboys, miners and factory workers, blue jeans jumped spectacularly from the utilitarian to the iconic when Hollywood began cladding its brightest stars in denim.

THE TRADITIONAL SCOTTISH KILT

It’s testimony to the kilt’s resilience that it remains fashionable despite its long association with the step dancing throw-up of Riverdance. Made from thick woollen tartans, kilts are as tough and strong as the russet highlanders who popularised them. The knee- length, back-pleated garment often fronted by a sporran (think of a hairy man bag) has traditionally been associated with Scottish culture but today they’re worn all over the world.

Anyone who’s worn a kilt will appreciate the inherent danger of being thus attired. The temptation to lift a man’s skirt has necessitated the wearing of underpants with a garment historically freeballed. Recently, there have been calls for men to cover up under the kilt (in the name of good hygiene and good taste). But Inverness-based kilt maker Ian Chisholm, a spokesman for the Scottish Kilt Makers’ Association, says, “The tradition of no underwear being worn was a stipulation of Scottish military regulation. To say it’s unhygienic is wrong. The freedom of movement is healthy. We always tell customers to wear nothing under the kilt if everything is in good working order.”

The Bad

We won’t call the fashion police over these vestiary misdemeanors, but think very carefully before stepping out in public.

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Indiana Jones and the Satchel of Doom. The Gentleman’s clutch never looked so good

THE MAN BAG

Hugh Jackman has a big one. David Beckham’s is small. We speak of the mighty murse – the gentleman’s clutch. According to a recent UK survey, 50 per cent of men now own them. Are they wrong? No. Are they manly? Not especially.

If we are what we wear (and by extension carry), what does your bag say about you? According to Telegraph fashion ace Alfred Tong, it speaks volumes, depending on what type of clutch you tote. If it’s a modern executive briefcase, you’re either “Mr Organised” or “Mr Crashing-bore”. But if you favour the messenger bag to transport your wallet, phone and spare undies, you’re a “creative midfielder”.

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Is that a rhino in your pocket?

THE CODPIECE

Not since Henry VIII wore his pouch on the outside of his tights has anything destroyed the standing of the mighty codpiece quite like the cinematic clusterfuck, Batman And Robin. It’s unclear how George Clooney and Chris O’Donnell felt as they suited up for this installment of the franchise, but the addition of nipples and a sizeable lunch codpiece to their costumes could only have helped this campy caper bomb at the box office.

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THE SKIVVY/ROLL NECK

It may seem harmless to have a poly-blend caressing your chin in colder climes but we’re reporting the roll neck sweater for crimes against fashion. (Unless you’re heading to a Swiss chalet for a spot of après-ski.)

The Ugly

There are no words.

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Crocs with laces: you can’t polish a turd. 

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Hold me.

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Why?

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Again. Why?

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